Ms. Juanita’s Snowball Stand is the best in world in creating snowballs. With the amazing snowballs she makes it is a friendly environment for all ages and the sweetest lady owns the stand and makes it a commitment to be customer friendly. My family and many others are regulars in going to the stand during the summer time. The whole entire neighborhood enjoys her snowballs and her warmth that she possesses. After the snowballs you can usually sit and learn from her past experiences and basically become close friends with her or head down the road and play in the neighborhood park. It is not all about the snowballs that make this place so special.
Overall a very family oriented place to be and to interact with others in the neighborhood or even to spend more quality time with your family. This snowball stand needs to be preserved for all the family time and overall amazing service and cannot forget the snowballs. The best and most traditional item to get on a blistering hot day in the summer time is to get that juicy snowball. Ms. Juanita has over thirty flavors including marshmallows. It is not just about my opinion it is about the whole neighborhood falling in love with the snowballs made with love and care she makes every single summer day.
This is an awesome essay! It demonstrates your connection to the Snowball Stand, describes an importance to the community, and, most important of all, it's catchy! Delivering something in an exciting manner goes a really long way because it gives the reader more of a predisposition to buy into your argument.
ReplyDeleteYou also did a good job on stating your connection in the beginning. It tells the reader you have a right to talk about the subject matter.
That being said, there's a couple things you can change around and add to more effectively address your thesis and make a point.
First off, underline your thesis. I assume it's the last sentence of the first paragraph... and if it is, work on the sentence structure of it because it's weak sauce! Specifically, starting the sentence with a pronoun tends to make it a supporting sentence to a previous sentence, since it refers to it. You also might want to make it longer. So, for example, you could say, "However, not just the snowballs make Ms. Juanita's Snowball Stand important; ______." You could encapsulate the following supporting details on the second half of the thesis (that's usually what the thesis is for) by saying something about how Juanita's is important to the community.
There's a couple things you can do grammar-wise too. Everything has a good rhythm/flow, as if someone could be casually explaining something to me, so it's very easy to follow. However, you have a couple technical errors. The first sentence of the second paragraph is a fragment. It needs both a subject and an agreeing verb. So, you could say "Overall [it is] a very family oriented place ... ," but again, watch your use of pronouns. You might want to change a whole bunch of things up in that sentence.
Third sentence, second paragraph: move "is" between "get" and "that."
Last sentence, last paragraph: again, watch your usage of pronouns at the beginning of a sentence. Although beginning a sentence with "It is" is still proper grammar because it's correct usage of a linking verb, it's usually informal and non-declarative. You can get more credibility by adding formality. Also add a comma between "opinion" and "it," keep your tenses in either all present- or all past-tense, and remove redundancy by moving switching clauses: "... the whole neighborhood falling in love with the snowballs she makes every single day with love and care."
One last suggestion: you might also want to add a bit of analysis in and a bit less description. For example, you could use the second corollary in Leiwis's "Axioms," the one that talks about regional inequalities that allow a place to identify a culture. You could point out something that sets this snowball stand apart from others, and that could prove that this specific snowball stand says something about the culture of the community. It's a longshot, but any one of the axioms would add a lot of context to the essay.
Sorry for rambling!! It's an awesome essay. Hope I helped. :)
It is always nice to find a place where the owner or workers really connect with the customer. There are a few sentence structure and grammatical issues but otherwise, great story.
ReplyDeleteI like the posts about the less traditional places rather than parks and schools. Choosing a snowball stand can be risky, but you had plenty of info to back yourself up. I think you did a good job.
ReplyDeleteThis snowball stand sounds like a great place to preserve, and you really backed it up with details. Overall, it's a very convincing essay.
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